Hello. Welcome to my humble gallery, thank you for visiting and enjoy your stay ^^

I'll list some random thoughts that I felt I needed to post in this journal entry.
- I'm very afraid of spending an epic amount of effort (think of "epic" as a full game run, with Divina Commedia as stage 1, LoTR as stage 2, and the easiest Touhou game in Lunatic difficulty as the extra stage) into becoming a respected artist, and then failing. If that happened, I'd think/say, "if I used all this effort into something else, I'd at least make some accomplishments and would be in a better situation than now". It has been a characteristic of myself, to consider if a certain goal is really worth the effort required, and since I'm bad with predictions and calculations (as they end demanding more than what I'd expected), I'm afraid that even all of my remaining lifespan's worth of dedication won't be enough for such a goal.
- Also, I'm very afraid of actually attaining my goal of becoming a respected artist, and seeing that the work itself, and the result of all that work, leads me to boredom, unhappiness, feeling of lack of accomplishment, and the feeling that I have nothing else to do in life.
- Speaking of "becoming a respected artist", since I've became an atheist, I've abandoned the idea of an afterlife in Heaven or Hell, and considered that my memories will disappear when I die. Love for someone else, sense of family, brotherhood, community, fear of suffering an injury, anger or hatred towards someone whose interests conflict with yours, I've considered all of this to be consequences of our conditions as mortal beings. Since this moment, I wanted to make a story that tells about becoming an "immortal" (ageless, not indestructible) being, and what would be the implications of choosing such a "lifestyle". Then, I decided that, if I am to disappear as if I had no value at all, I should make my own existance notable, and try to immortalize myself in that silly, lame way.
- Since I started building this story, I had countless blocks and frustrations due to myself being a hurt person who's currently not an authentic artist, and lacks the beauty that I admire in other artists' works.
- In terms of progress as an artist, I've faced much more defeats than achievements since 1999, when I bought my first manga drawing magazine, and being unable to discover how to overcome my obstacles (a task that I deemed as a work of intelligence and competitiveness) made me gradually lose my self-respect. I like the efforts of fellow artists; I hate how I don't evolve at the same rate as they do.
- To tell about such "obstacles", some of them are: I can't do an interesting character design (can't balance the details in costumes, can't express the characters' personalities through them, can't be creative/"original" enough, can't make the designs look good), I can't do a decent story writing, can't organize the events in the story, can't make it enjoyable, not boring, memorable, inovative, immersive, I lack knowledge/lore/inspiration (at least not the view, this time) to help add content to my story, and can't (at least not now) do traditional manga style drawings (for fanarts, either for myself or for other people). I can't make the eyes not look artificial, unauthentic.
- Why did I start this journal entry.. hmm.. it's because I feel torn between the fear of failure, and the fear of unveiling a false, unworthy achievement, and am currently feeling like a dumb person who can't find a way to work around my "obstacles", and a "false artist" with unglorious motivations.
- Since I don't believe in an afterlife, I consider that I might die anytime (oh rly?), and wouldn't want to waste time that I could use doing interesting things, instead (things like playing, watching tv, videos, eating/drinking, reading some interesting articles, planning a game/story/drawing). Unfortunately, though, this kind of attitude prioritizes having fun, over practicing drawings.